There's Something about Bob
In 2005 I found myself single again and decided to throw myself into the dating waters by putting up an online personal. This heralded in the era of "Dating Tales of Terror". I started giving my potential suitors nick names like "Boring Guy" and "Jersey Boy" so that friends didn't get confused with names. If the guy was around long enough he would earn the right to be called by his given name. There are even trading cards with pictures and statistics. But Bob was different. Bob was is own species of horror and gave the world "bobisms" ( see Bobisms ).
Bob and I had passed e-mails back and forth for about 2 weeks before we decided to meet for coffee. Well, I would have coffee. Bob had issues with both caffeine and hot beverages (Quote: "Hot chocolate and straws just do NOT mix," don't ask me why he was using a straw). Bob also had Tourettes Syndrome so he avoided stimulants. Undaunted by poor spelling, grammar and what seemed to be an odd grasp of the English language I pressed on.
We met and I was immediately struck by his awkwardness. In an effort to put him at ease I asked him about hobbies as I sipped my coffee and he had his apple juice. I spent the next two hours hearing about his Dungeons and Dragons character and the plan he had for it over the next 20 YEARS! I don't have a plan for me over the next 20 years, much less an imaginary persona. I knew I was in trouble. It turns out that Bob speaks about as poorly as he types, and yes he and his family were born in this country.
Somewhere after hour 1 I think his Tourettes medication began to wear off because he started to have a pronounced facial tick. He would blink rather hard and wrinkle his nose about every 5 minutes. Had I been speaking it would have been distracting, but as I was just nodding while he used the salt and pepper shakers to illustrate how characters move around I didn't have to worry about that.
By the time hour 2 came to an end I was ready to stab myself in the eye so I could be swept away by EMTs. I had learned that Bob writes poetry (bad poetry), was 30 and still living at home and just got his drivers license. Heaven help me. Calling attention to the time and saying I had an early morning we wrapped up our chat and he sweetly walked me to my car. It was there that he kissed my hand and asked if he could see me again.
My survival instincts were screaming "NO!" but I'm a soft touch and I believe we don't always make our best impressions the first time out, so I said yes. I figured we'd see a movie which would cut out talking. The next day I found out why he was so excited I said yes.
At 30 Bob had never had a second date! I don't want to even think about what else Bob hadn't experienced. The next day he declared me a goddess, his girlfriend and told me he loved me. Oh no no no no no! I told him things were just moving too fast and I wasn't ready for this. Then I dropped off the face of the earth because sometimes you just need to hide.
My new mantra: Bring me your poor, your socially awkward, your mildly retarded and painfully shy...and I will date them.
Bob and I had passed e-mails back and forth for about 2 weeks before we decided to meet for coffee. Well, I would have coffee. Bob had issues with both caffeine and hot beverages (Quote: "Hot chocolate and straws just do NOT mix," don't ask me why he was using a straw). Bob also had Tourettes Syndrome so he avoided stimulants. Undaunted by poor spelling, grammar and what seemed to be an odd grasp of the English language I pressed on.
We met and I was immediately struck by his awkwardness. In an effort to put him at ease I asked him about hobbies as I sipped my coffee and he had his apple juice. I spent the next two hours hearing about his Dungeons and Dragons character and the plan he had for it over the next 20 YEARS! I don't have a plan for me over the next 20 years, much less an imaginary persona. I knew I was in trouble. It turns out that Bob speaks about as poorly as he types, and yes he and his family were born in this country.
Somewhere after hour 1 I think his Tourettes medication began to wear off because he started to have a pronounced facial tick. He would blink rather hard and wrinkle his nose about every 5 minutes. Had I been speaking it would have been distracting, but as I was just nodding while he used the salt and pepper shakers to illustrate how characters move around I didn't have to worry about that.
By the time hour 2 came to an end I was ready to stab myself in the eye so I could be swept away by EMTs. I had learned that Bob writes poetry (bad poetry), was 30 and still living at home and just got his drivers license. Heaven help me. Calling attention to the time and saying I had an early morning we wrapped up our chat and he sweetly walked me to my car. It was there that he kissed my hand and asked if he could see me again.
My survival instincts were screaming "NO!" but I'm a soft touch and I believe we don't always make our best impressions the first time out, so I said yes. I figured we'd see a movie which would cut out talking. The next day I found out why he was so excited I said yes.
At 30 Bob had never had a second date! I don't want to even think about what else Bob hadn't experienced. The next day he declared me a goddess, his girlfriend and told me he loved me. Oh no no no no no! I told him things were just moving too fast and I wasn't ready for this. Then I dropped off the face of the earth because sometimes you just need to hide.
My new mantra: Bring me your poor, your socially awkward, your mildly retarded and painfully shy...and I will date them.
posted by Liz at 1:49 PM
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