Near Death Experience

Jersey Boy was Greek, you'd think I would have learned, but no. He was a graphic illustrator, even did an Ellery Queen Magazine cover. Very impressive. We got on well over the phone, talked easily...what had become the norm for me. I knew he was a big guy and I'll admit I like the teddy bear type. After all, I am no size 6 (ha ha ha ha ha ha). We decided to meet for dinner at one of my favorite restaurants and then maybe watch a movie afterward. He was even being a sweetie and driving out my way.

So on the appointed day at the agreed upon time I sat at the restaurant and waited for my date. Soon a very large man came through the door. Very large. Tall and wide. But cute. Unfortunately he was wheezing from the effort of walking in. Through dinner he continued to sound like he just ran a marathon. At one point I started to really notice the amount of water he was drinking...3 pitchers at last count...and he never went to the bathroom! All I kept thinking was, "Oh God his kidneys are failing." What was I going to do if this guy died on our date?

Dinner went well, aside from his disclosure of a foot fetish and something he liked doing with eclaires that I won't go into. That was a bit weird, but decided I'd keep my shoes on and see it through when he was still up for watching a movie after dinner. The heavy breathing continued through the evening, and I kept thinking that if he died there was no way they were going to be able to move the body. Finally he kept nodding off (or asphyxiating, I'm really not sure) so I called an end to the date and, with a sigh of relief that there were no fatalities, closed the door.

He never did go to the bathroom...