Birthday Blues
B and I had been dating for about 5 months when his birthday rolled around. He wasn’t much for birthdays and I could tell he was feeling a bit grumpy about turning 39 so I thought I’d try to make it as special as possible.
A little back ground: B was a bit of an odd duck (see Inventory), and archaeologist by trade, had a shark embryo on his desk at work and a very weird sense of humor. So when I found the owl pellet dissection kit I thought I’d hit the birthday jackpot. I then made him a Happy Bunny T-shirt because he liked the thing’s nasty phrases. And when I came across an animated squirrel from Ice Age, well, knowing how much he liked the little bugger in the movie I picked that up as well. While these may seem like odd gifts for a grown man, keep in mind he likes to give out rubber vomit and garden gnomes doing obscene things and I think you’ll see why these seemed perfect.
So for his birthday I made reservations at a pub that specialized in having a large beer menu (B was big on beer) and picked up tickets to a movie he was dying to see. And since his doctor had been after him to work on his eating habits I found a place that delivers veggie baskets and had one sent to his work that day. Unfortunately I had to stop at my doctor’s the morning of the big evening because I’d managed to do some damage to my shoulder and was informed “no strenuous activity for a week.” No biggie though, right?
Shortly after my appointment my phone rang. It was B talking about the basket. He was surprised they didn’t wash the veggies better. That was the whole reaction. Okay, so it didn’t go over as well as I’d hoped, but oh well. I picked him up after work and we headed to dinner. I parked and we headed to the door. Well, I headed to the door. B wandered off in another direction, but I managed to herd him toward the restaurant with little trouble.
I gave my name and the hostess seated us as B teased me about making reservations (it wasn’t particularly crowded). My defense was that it was Friday and this was a popular place so I wanted to make sure we got a table (and it was packed by the time we left). Once seated he ordered a beer and I asked for a glass of wine. Our waitress was nice and quite pretty. She complimented my top and then I got to listen to B moan about how he should have said something. Then the beer tasted “old”. Thankfully the meal was up to snuff! I ordered the second glass of wine after he started denying it was his birthday then saying he didn’t celebrate. I told him I guessed that meant he didn’t want the presents. Suddenly it was his birthday!
We had time before the movie so I suggested we go back to my place and he could open his presents. We got in the car and the smell of wilting veggies was starting to seep from the back seat. Ah well.
Excitedly I gave him present #1, the owl vomit. “Oh, neat” was the response. He said he’d put it up on his office wall, and when I pointed out the little ID chart on the back so you could figure out which critters the owl ate I was informed that “he did enough of that in school.” Oookaaay, on to present #2: The shirt. His reaction, “Is there anything on the back?” No, you always were a button down over your T-shirt so I didn’t think to put anything on the back. “Oh, you made this?” So much for that one. Present #3: The Squirrel. Lead balloon. Since he wasn’t up for reading the directions it was not particularly exciting. I gave up and we headed to the movie, me feeling a bit deflated. There wasn’t even a thank you. And the car was starting to really smell.
We were early to the movie (I wasn’t sure if there would be a line since it was opening night). B rushed into the theater and sat down, I stood at the top of the isle thinking, “It’s dark and the movie is playing…but we are early…” I managed to find B and pointed out that this appeared to be the end of the movie. No reaction. Once I said something about ruining the ending for us he perked up and we headed back to the lobby.
I asked if he wanted anything from the snack bar and he did. Then he asked where the arcade was and started to walk away. “But I thought you wanted something to drink?” I asked. “Yeah,” he replied. “Aren’t you going to bring it to me?” Oh I don’t think so. That resolved we watched the movie. Once more getting back to the car proved difficult. I’m not sure why he couldn’t just walk next to me, but he kept veering off. I felt like a border collie.
As I drove him to his place he asked if I was staying over. Sadly no, since he just requested a pie for the family picnic the next day that would take 6 hours to make. Oh, would I come in for a bit? Truthfully, I was tired, hurt and kind of fed up, but I just said no, I had a lot to get ready. Then came the sad little sigh, “No nookie for me on my birthday then…”
This is when I delivered the sad news that, per doctor’s orders, I was out of commission for a week. He was quiet for a moment, then suggested he could just wait until I was asleep! I nearly rammed the passenger side of my car into the guard rail. He admitted he shouldn’t have said that, I told him he shouldn’t have even THOUGHT that.
You’d think it couldn’t get much worse, but you’d be wrong.
The next day I met his mom. She shook my hand and said she heard I dressed up as a costumed character and went to kids parties. Um no…funny, because one of B’s coworkers has bought some of my company’s stuff. She then comment about my dad being a minister. Wrong again, retired aerospace engineer actually. This is when I began to wonder if B knew it was me he was dating these past few months.
B came out to join us and Mom asked what he did for his birthday. His response? “Oh, sat home and watched some videos.” I must have turned purple. I cleared my throat and said, “And got something delivered to work, and went to dinner, and got presents and went to a movie.” Oh yeah…grrr. This is when his 10 year old nephew asked me what I saw in B. I managed to choke out that he could be charming when he wanted to be, but I really wanted to say I had no freaking idea.
A little back ground: B was a bit of an odd duck (see Inventory), and archaeologist by trade, had a shark embryo on his desk at work and a very weird sense of humor. So when I found the owl pellet dissection kit I thought I’d hit the birthday jackpot. I then made him a Happy Bunny T-shirt because he liked the thing’s nasty phrases. And when I came across an animated squirrel from Ice Age, well, knowing how much he liked the little bugger in the movie I picked that up as well. While these may seem like odd gifts for a grown man, keep in mind he likes to give out rubber vomit and garden gnomes doing obscene things and I think you’ll see why these seemed perfect.
So for his birthday I made reservations at a pub that specialized in having a large beer menu (B was big on beer) and picked up tickets to a movie he was dying to see. And since his doctor had been after him to work on his eating habits I found a place that delivers veggie baskets and had one sent to his work that day. Unfortunately I had to stop at my doctor’s the morning of the big evening because I’d managed to do some damage to my shoulder and was informed “no strenuous activity for a week.” No biggie though, right?
Shortly after my appointment my phone rang. It was B talking about the basket. He was surprised they didn’t wash the veggies better. That was the whole reaction. Okay, so it didn’t go over as well as I’d hoped, but oh well. I picked him up after work and we headed to dinner. I parked and we headed to the door. Well, I headed to the door. B wandered off in another direction, but I managed to herd him toward the restaurant with little trouble.
I gave my name and the hostess seated us as B teased me about making reservations (it wasn’t particularly crowded). My defense was that it was Friday and this was a popular place so I wanted to make sure we got a table (and it was packed by the time we left). Once seated he ordered a beer and I asked for a glass of wine. Our waitress was nice and quite pretty. She complimented my top and then I got to listen to B moan about how he should have said something. Then the beer tasted “old”. Thankfully the meal was up to snuff! I ordered the second glass of wine after he started denying it was his birthday then saying he didn’t celebrate. I told him I guessed that meant he didn’t want the presents. Suddenly it was his birthday!
We had time before the movie so I suggested we go back to my place and he could open his presents. We got in the car and the smell of wilting veggies was starting to seep from the back seat. Ah well.
Excitedly I gave him present #1, the owl vomit. “Oh, neat” was the response. He said he’d put it up on his office wall, and when I pointed out the little ID chart on the back so you could figure out which critters the owl ate I was informed that “he did enough of that in school.” Oookaaay, on to present #2: The shirt. His reaction, “Is there anything on the back?” No, you always were a button down over your T-shirt so I didn’t think to put anything on the back. “Oh, you made this?” So much for that one. Present #3: The Squirrel. Lead balloon. Since he wasn’t up for reading the directions it was not particularly exciting. I gave up and we headed to the movie, me feeling a bit deflated. There wasn’t even a thank you. And the car was starting to really smell.
We were early to the movie (I wasn’t sure if there would be a line since it was opening night). B rushed into the theater and sat down, I stood at the top of the isle thinking, “It’s dark and the movie is playing…but we are early…” I managed to find B and pointed out that this appeared to be the end of the movie. No reaction. Once I said something about ruining the ending for us he perked up and we headed back to the lobby.
I asked if he wanted anything from the snack bar and he did. Then he asked where the arcade was and started to walk away. “But I thought you wanted something to drink?” I asked. “Yeah,” he replied. “Aren’t you going to bring it to me?” Oh I don’t think so. That resolved we watched the movie. Once more getting back to the car proved difficult. I’m not sure why he couldn’t just walk next to me, but he kept veering off. I felt like a border collie.
As I drove him to his place he asked if I was staying over. Sadly no, since he just requested a pie for the family picnic the next day that would take 6 hours to make. Oh, would I come in for a bit? Truthfully, I was tired, hurt and kind of fed up, but I just said no, I had a lot to get ready. Then came the sad little sigh, “No nookie for me on my birthday then…”
This is when I delivered the sad news that, per doctor’s orders, I was out of commission for a week. He was quiet for a moment, then suggested he could just wait until I was asleep! I nearly rammed the passenger side of my car into the guard rail. He admitted he shouldn’t have said that, I told him he shouldn’t have even THOUGHT that.
You’d think it couldn’t get much worse, but you’d be wrong.
The next day I met his mom. She shook my hand and said she heard I dressed up as a costumed character and went to kids parties. Um no…funny, because one of B’s coworkers has bought some of my company’s stuff. She then comment about my dad being a minister. Wrong again, retired aerospace engineer actually. This is when I began to wonder if B knew it was me he was dating these past few months.
B came out to join us and Mom asked what he did for his birthday. His response? “Oh, sat home and watched some videos.” I must have turned purple. I cleared my throat and said, “And got something delivered to work, and went to dinner, and got presents and went to a movie.” Oh yeah…grrr. This is when his 10 year old nephew asked me what I saw in B. I managed to choke out that he could be charming when he wanted to be, but I really wanted to say I had no freaking idea.
posted by Liz at 10:24 AM
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